Under What Appeared to be Pride

I have been described as proud for not easily listening to what I was told when I was a youth dealing with epilepsy. They said that I didn't want to listen to reason or advice from adults but what was going on at that time?

The way I remember it, my caregivers were scared and confused with good reason and were easily believing in the worst case scenarios about me. In my shoe, this made me feel hopeless and weighed with worry about something I couldn't control. I listened to what they had to say but I couldn't let myself take it as a truth. I considered their perspective and concentrated on researching how I might make it different and find its purpose. I did have to protect my mind from negativity by not taking it to heart or obeying too easily. I chose to focus on trying for the outcomes I desired and risking mistakes to learn from them rather than accepting the doom predicted for me. I can understand now how that made me appear proud and unwilling to listen to the help I was being offered but to maintain the hope and optimism that fueled me to face my daily seizures, I couldn't allow myself to entertain any negativity. Fear, doubt and worry weakened my resolve and I required a hopeful mindset to face myself everyday. It felt disrespectful to dismiss the care I was offered but that wasn't my intention. I was learning how to accept information, sorting it out to apply to the situation and finding my balance amidst it all. My intention was to keep my mind open so I could work with my life. I couldn't blame anyone for caring but I couldn't just follow what they told me. To follow blindly meant that I chose to not believe in myself and that made me vulnerable to depression. Focusing hard can make a person appear proud or arrogant but what is beneath that shield? There is something that is being protected that isn't easily seen. For myself, I was protecting my resolve to face myself. I was determined to work with my life and I knew that I had to keep an open mind that didn't draw quick conclusions. I worked on taking in what I was told,reflecting and continuing on before determining what it meant to me. I learned that just because a person doesn't comply immediately, it doesn't mean that they aren't respecting what they are told. Everyone works in their own way with what they have. It is important to explore a situation and its many layers to find the answers beneath the reaction. There was no claiming to know when I walked away from advice but there was a determination to learn the full scope of what life was offering. 

Before I let myself think that someone is being proud for not listening to my reasoning, I remind myself that they are not the same person as I am and have a different perspective, purpose and knowledge than I do. Instead of fighting for my reason, I can grow more by listening to them and respecting their journey. I don't have to know what they are protecting, I must only respect what happens as it happens and concentrate on what I do control.