My Life Is as I Perceive It

I'd like to invite you to walk with me so you will understand why I believe that what I choose to perceive becomes my reality. I've always had an intrigue for how the mind works, how the power of thought influences my reality and it is one of my greatest joys to play with my mind when I'm searching for answers.

My  journey to get to know my mind and shape it to fit my aspirations began when I was fourteen years old. I had been living with grand mal seizures for almost three years and just underwent a brain surgery that I convinced myself was going to be my cure. I was sadly uncertain when my surgeon informed us that I had a benign brain tumor that was too dangerous to try to remove. No immediate seizure occurred and I continued convincing myself that I was cured. The illusion quickly dissipated when I had my first complex partial seizure. At first  we thought that we were just returning to old ways but we soon discovered that even though the seizures were lighter, they were also more frequent.  

What was I going to do? High school in a school where I only knew my brother was starting in less than two months. What was I going to say to all the strangers I met? How was I going to teach my teachers when I hardly knew it myself?

Despite my mind wanting to rage about the unfairness of the situation, I remembered that I had asked for the results of my surgery to be whatever was for the Greater Good. I had vowed that I would work with whatever I received and make the best of it. So far, my determination to learn from my experience, not judge it, and work with it as best as I could helped me to adapt to my unique life. Surely there was a way to do it now. 

As the first day of high school loomed closer, I warded off any judgments by repeating that God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle. Every time I  heard people contemplating that I wouldn't be accepted or successful in life, I repeated my mantra to distract myself from believing in any unwanted possibilities. I had to admit that I didn’t know and was scared but I preferred placing my trust in God and concentrating on what I could do rather than stress about what I didn't know. I only wanted to pay attention to what I did care about and what made me feel capable and content. There was so much that was beyond my control, why stoke the fire when there were more ways of understanding the situation? As I chose to remain with my mindset, I observed my family who were believing in the worst. They seemed to have given up before the situation began. It felt disrespectful to assume knowing without giving the situation a chance. Epilepsy was fairly rare and new, what if I was being asked to help inform people? I have to get to know it before I could inform others but what was wrong with that perspective? It's likely that people will be confused but who isn't slightly confused when learning something new?

The seizures may be beyond my control as the reactions will also be but I have the power to choose what I want to communicate. I didn't want to believe that I had no possibilities or give up hope in any way. I wanted to get to know my condition and not allow it to stop me from reaching my full potential, whatever that may be. I wanted to make learning into a part of living until I matured into an adult.

I learned that even though some things are beyond my control (like my seizures and what people thought or believed), I could always choose what to think and feel. Did I want to place my trust in the negativity against me? Could that change anything or help me to feel better? Did I feel good believing that I am unworthy and deprived? Was it possible to find another way? Could I make learning a part of living because I didn’t yet understand?

I was in a phase of discovery having just entered high school. I was one of thousands of other students experimenting with skills and getting a feeling of the person I was becoming. I was free to try various things and make mistakes to learn what I wanted to become. 

Because learning my seizures was inconsistent and unpredictable, it was easy to try different perceptions at different times. I let myself believe the worst, believe the best and have days of being neutral and looking for alternatives. After each choice, I'd reflect on how it felt, how it made me feel overall and decide if it was an option for me. In incidents that I could do nothing about (like falling and creating a mess), I made myself review the situation before following a reaction. I tried to look at why it wasn't as bad as I thought it to be. I found that detaching from what was out of my control lessened the guilt I otherwise carried. 

With time and practice, I learned what thoughts helped to make my existence less of a burden and make me more into the person I wanted to be. I learned that what I chose to think became what I believed.

Even today, thirty years after high school, I'm still met with thoughts of what I was told and working to choose the thoughts that I want to believe in. After my stroke,  life was more limiting but out of danger. If I follow old standards of success, then I'd feel like a failure and believe that I'm unworthy. If I choose to appreciate what I've been through, then I would recognize what was in my control, believe in a different success and be grateful for what I do have. I've learned that what I choose to believe affects my life and what I continuously believe becomes my reality.