A Grading, A Periodical Review
Photo By: Cytonn Photography https://unsplash.com/@cytonn_photography
During my lifetime, I recall getting graded or reviewed in various ways. As a student in school, as a worker in a company and as a member of a community. I grew up thinking that it determined my worth and that the reactions from the results would affect who I am but when I look at it as opportunities to recognize and improve myself, it becomes an encouragement to continue building who I am.
As a young student, it felt like the grade my teacher assigned would summarize my worth or determine my future. I remember working extra hard because I thought the reaction of my caregivers was important for my future. My efforts for a good grade became about impressing other people and not about improving from where I am.
As a middle-aged worker, my grading was the review my managers gave about my work performance. This seemed to determine my value in the company and the level of consideration or pay I would receive as a worker. How I impressed my boss was important to my future within the company.This, too, became about abiding to what I was told and not about improving from where I am.
As a member of a martial arts community, a grading was necessary to review my abilities and determine what I was ready to aspire to next. This one scared me the most because I was aware that I wasn’t physically capable and I feared being viewed as incompetent, even though a belt in martial arts did not determine my character. Again, the fear I held caused me to strive to impress rather than improve from where I am.
Despite my reality, every ‘grading’ I encounter is not about proving my worth or meeting another person's criteria, they are opportunities to assess myself and receive an external viewpoint to help me expand my journey. Some of what I was involved in didn't turn out to be for me and showing up to try was the opportunity to find that out.
As a parent, I can feel a silent tension around exam and report card season, and I remember having thought that it determined me but now, I wonder what would have happened if I had thought of grades as a periodical review of myself instead of it as an assessment of who I am? When my husband tells me that he is drafting worker reviews, I reflect on how I would not be able to improve if I never got challenged or told that I was wrong. I understand why grades can be upsetting when my thoughts tell me that it determines who I am but when I view them as an opportunity to recognize myself and decide a way forward, I can forgive what passed and concentrate on improving. It is not about impressing or meeting someone else's criteria, it is a commitment to enhance myself.
