Missing the Chaos that Used to Bless My Life
Photo by: MohammadHosein Mohebbi https://unsplash.com/@mhmohebbi96
“In the middle of chaos, lies opportunity.” -Bruce Lee
Seeing this quote brought forth the grief for the loss of my seizures. It's an odd thing to grieve considering that it was a threat to my life but I felt alive and blessed to live my life in constant anticipation for the unexpected. For every time that my plans were altered, I was humbled into knowing that I wasn’t in control. With every disappointment I had to release my emotions to get clarity, I gained insight on what I hadn’t considered. My seizures had a way of placing me in the center of a situation without the situation being about myself. I often had to detach myself from the situation and doing so brought forth the insights I wouldn't have otherwise recognized. Yes, I was slowed down by my circumstances but that allowed me to observe in depth.
Now, my life feels slow without daily opportunities and I find it hard to focus. The interests and desires still exist and I must move even slower to meet my needs. It feels empty without the obvious chaos and finding a focus is harder without the constant need to be ready to deal with the surprise of seizures.
‘We are what we choose to think.’ It would be easy to assume that I no longer meet the unexpected and have more control without seizures but that is not true. I am still just a human being who is part of the whole and doesn't control it. The unexpected will still happen and what I focus on is no longer based on the avoidance of injury. Chaos is still felt, even if it isn't the same, and opportunities are still around me, even if there is no obvious struggle to obtain it.
The busyness that was required is no longer necessary and I'm free to focus on appreciating everything. My life will never become what I thought it should be but I can continue being myself in new ways and appreciate the changes as they arrive. Yes, chaos offers opportunity but chaos isn't required constantly and I don’t have to be in it to recognize the blessings surrounding me.
Overall, my seizures were a constant blessing to me that I will never forget and it continues to remind me that my life becomes whatever I choose to think of it. In my life, as it is today, I can miss what was and end up absent from what is or I can choose to appreciate what was and be more mindful to recognize the present. I will keep remembering, ‘We are what we choose to think.’ and select my thoughts wisely.
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