How I Choose to Be
From an experience of living with epilepsy at a time when information was scarce, I couldn't always trust my mind's desire to have an explanation for everything. Relying on instinct while trying to understand everything around me, it became my way of life to concentrate on crafting my thoughts, feelings and actions into decisions that added to the person I strive to become.
It wasn't easy listening to what is not easily heard and trying to articulate it to other people. It made me feel foolish and I decided that I didn't want to waste my energy. Whatever I couldn't explain externally I kept as something for me to research. I knew that I shouldn't stop trying because I didn't yet know, so I focused on aligning my decisions with my values. Not letting my mind focus on reasoning freed me from getting emotionally bound or trying to prove myself.
‘It is not about how it came to be; it is about how I choose to be.’ became my way of accepting circumstances and focusing on working on values instead of fighting to appear knowledgeable. I figured that circumstances are controlled by the Divine and that I am responsible for how I choose to contribute to the situation. Dropping the need to explain how things come to be, I accept my role to discover and need only worry about the choices I make. I respect that what I think or do could be wrong but I find comfort in working for what I believe in. With the circumstances that are dealt, my choices are the only control I have and what contributes to a development that lets me be myself.
In my youth, it was the consequences of my seizures that I couldn't map out or easily fix. Not worrying about how the situation came to be helped me to detach myself and perceive the situation more objectively. Because I wasn't always on my own, I learned that being decisive with what I would do brought order to chaos. Concentrating on aligning myself and my actions became my way of recovering from chaos.
Currently, I reflect on my past and current situation with information I didn't have thirty years ago. Reading about concussions and different medical possibilities for the changes in my body, I started to feel negatively about my circumstances. This was unusual for me and I didn't like it. I reviewed how things could have been different but then realized that I would be completely different than I am and questioned if it would be better. I want to be the appreciative, adventuring student that survived the past and grows because of it. Whatever the reasons for the challenges I am meeting, I don't want to pretend that knowledge could change it. I have decided that my life is not about gathering knowledge in hope of changing what is. My life is about accepting what I am offered and working with it, making decisions that I believe in to grow with the adventure. I will not get caught up in what I can't understand or control, I will enjoy the experience knowing that I am being who I am.
