Not Getting What You Want

I was extremely lucky to have my adventure spark an unknown depth at the age of eleven. I didn't have anything figured out yet and I was curious about everything in search for where I was meant to be. Still in a state of dependence where listening to elders mattered but free enough to explore beyond what I was told.

When something that feels ethereal comes into your life and can hardly be explained or understood by the adults around you, how can you not wonder what it means? Without a belief in any one side and a curiosity to find out how life works, I chose to believe that life was communicating to me and that I am intended to listen to what can't easily be seen or described. Because it was exclusive to me, I knew I had to moderate what people told me to connect to what only I could sense.

Having to protect myself by listening to the signals (auras before a seizure), this trained me to listen to the subtle signals that life constantly offers. Seizures had a way of taking what I thought should be away and making me pay attention to whatever is received at the moment. Surviving chaos taught me that holding onto a perception, emotion or feeling did nothing but prevent me from connecting to an experience intended for me.

Disappointment is a hard pill to swallow but training to open my awareness led me to recognize opportunities I never would have considered otherwise. Though it could not easily be described to another person, I couldn't give up the privilege of realizing the gifts of life.

Standing alone with a uniqueness that makes it hard to blend in, I am blessed with room to explore the many layers of what appears to be. Life is an adventure of connecting with what comes my way. Whether understandable or ethereal, I am constantly blessed with opportunities. Just as a perception, emotion or feeling only became distractions when I held onto them during seizure recoveries, so, too, do they distract me from connecting in everyday life. I can start by going after what I want and must keep in mind that what I think may not be the whole of it. I can strive to discover, connect and grow but I must be ready to let go of what I think should be to adapt and flow with the natural processes I am here to discover. It may not appear to be what I think I want but I can respect and appreciate its offering.