Did I Have a Concussion?
Photo By:Simone Secci https://unsplash.com/@simonesecci.
During my years with epilepsy, neurology was new and concussions were not understood. I had the brief understanding that I might have a concussion if I felt nauseated or didn't function properly (whatever that meant). I was never nauseated and I had already programmed myself to keep going because I didn't allow my seizures to prevent me from living. Little did I know that a headache from a goose-egg on my head, the blurry to double-vision, tingles in the body or my irritable mood were symptoms of a concussion. I didn't know that it takes 10 days to 4 weeks to recover from a concussion and that it could be caused even from any hit to the head, neck, face or body. I thought I only had to protect my head and I knew I didn't have more than a day before I'd have another attack. When I had a medication that triggered double vision every morning or another medication that wiped out my good memory, I thought it was the medication but now I wonder if it could have been the effect of multiple overlapping concussions. At that time, I could only rejoice that I was alive and functioning. If I knew then what I know now, I would have lost all the courage and enthusiasm to live. The big question I have today is: How much of those unresolved injuries am I still carrying? I am only in my forties but I have moments when my body feels twenty years older and I notice old-age symptoms (foggy mind, inability to register what I see,slipping memory, lack of concentration). I have lost and rebuilt my memory at the age of eighteen. Right now, my fear of old-age is not death or having to adjust to changes. It's the instinct that I will have to meet my past injuries and relive the memories.
Until the time I went into therapy after my stroke, I hadn’t known that a concussion is a serious matter. My therapy office was the first time I'd ever seen an ad for treatment that described it's seriousness. Because there was never any record of my injuries, I didn't know what to think of it and I didn't want to let it distract me.
Today, my symptoms from my high school days are hovering in me. I know that some are signs of getting older but it makes me reflect on my history. When I'm in a crowd, the kettle starts humming or water is running in a sink (monotonous sounds), my body starts to tingle and a headache starts to build. I notice today that I can barely move properly when a headache starts because my body triggers it's defenses for falls and tenses my paralyzed side. I can't keep moving on, only concentrating on what I have to do as I did in high school. I'm no longer compelled to ignore my body. This is one of my reasons for choosing to remain in my wheelchair when I'm out of my own house. I am safe from falling, can pay attention to myself and don't have to fight my body's reactions. Even in the chair my movement is limited when I have a headache. My concentration is not as widespread as it used to be.
Looking back, I now know that yes, I've had multiple overlapping concussions in my lifetime. I'm thankful for the spirit I have that sustained me to today and for having a resilient body. I do fear getting older but I know that I will meet every new phase as the perpetual student that I am. My fear is asking me to embrace the truth and welcome the experience for what it is. There is nothing to worry about or plan against when I can simply live, flow with the changes and keep growing
