When Something Becomes a Presence in Your Life

I called the brain tumor that caused me seizures and head trauma Tommy the Tumor. At the time, I was recovering from brain surgery, and had just found out that the surgeon was unable to remove the tumor safely. I had to accept that my occasional grand mal seizures became more frequent complex partial seizures. I was on the Summer vacation before starting high school where I didn't know anyone but my older brother. I had to admit that my seizures were there to stay.To make it easier on myself I named it Tommy the Tumor to make it seem like a more friendly thing that would always be with me. Since I didn't have friends yet, I decided that Tommy would be my friend. When I was scared, confused or lonely, I'd talk to Tommy. I even asked it questions and whatever thoughts came up after the question, I'd treat as answers from Tommy.

As the years went on and Tommy became my every day companion, Tommy wasn't just the tumor. Tommy became my representation of my epilepsy experience and it included my growth, discoveries and downfalls. As I think of Tommy, I admire it as my guru and am grateful for everything I am because of it. I wouldn't have been brave enough to start high school and walk independently if I didn’t feel like I had a friend with me. It was in accepting that I was tied to Tommy that prevented me from analyzing the situation and encouraged me to find my own way to live.

Even ten and a half years after the seizures are resolved, I'm drawn back to thinking of Tommy. I don't mention the name to anyone because I don't want people worrying about seizures returning but, Tommy to me, isn't about the seizures. It's the experience and the journey that made me who I am that I'm remembering and embracing. The Tommy presence is helping me to realize that I am who I am with or without the seizures. I didn't lose myself after my surgery and stroke. Tommy and I evolved and it took time to heal and grow.

Photo by:Milad Fakurian https://unsplash.com/@fakurian